I think it’s funny that I can still laugh at this time. I feel so tired and exhausted from all these choices and decisions and yet I can still laugh at the nonsensical things in life. I live and walk in a daze, losing where where I am though I’m physically there. I watch so many dramas now that perhaps, I’m always just stuck in that world. That false world that I want to believe I am the main actress who will somehow meet the “one” and fall in love. It’s a false world where people get sick and cancer and there will always be a namja next to them somehow. A false world where the main actor will carry the main actress, bridal style, all the way back to her apartment by feet. A false world it is, but I want to live in its lies so I don’t have to face reality. Perhaps this is me, perhaps it is I who is the problem, because I am too cowardly to face all the obstacles, because it’s true: living is hard. Living is hard but you still have a choice in what you do, right? If you’re dead, there’s nothing you can do. No way to climb the ladder the success, to make someone fall in love with you. Maybe that’s why I’ve been wanting to party all the time to “put your hands up, put your drinks up!” and then dance the night away because reality is too cruel. The truth is that I have nothing really. The truth is that I miss my family like EFF and the truth is that there is no way that we can pull that kind of money out their pockets so I can just be here. The truth is that money doesn’t fall off trees, ever. Unless one day, somehow, I become this super lucky girl who suddenly gets everything in the world. Her money relief, her boyfriend/love/relationship, her life/career. But that day, what are the chances? I want to believe in miracles, so I live in those worlds because the real world, doesn’t offer me miracles. I’m just tired of this shit. tired, scared, and shit, fucked. WTF?

The reason why death is no option because I’m a such a coward that pain is something I can’t stand, whether inflicted on myself or others. At least I’m “mature” enough to understand that much; at least, I’m grateful that I a coward, fearing of pain. Thank goodness. But otherwise that would be a good option. Just to live, is that much harder. And you’re now asking me to live and smile and be kind to others; isn’t that a little too much?

Intensely jealo…

Intensely jealous of all those people who have the things I can’t have. Love, clothes, bags, shoes, sunny days and memorable moments with friends and family. I’m jealous a lot.I hate life…kinda, but also not really. I hate the Christian life kind of, but not really. Let me read you and tell you whether I want to go or not.

Do you remember the days when I listened to kpop and spazzed crazily over these people? Remember the days when I was unhappy about my parents nagging me about school and being so restrained in my social life? Not that I exactly want that life back but I thought it was to get better? It has, I’ve met so many people and have so many opportunities in front of me but why still I’m back at that emptiness? Perhaps this is the reason I don’t believe in God, because he’s not in my life as I see it. He’s not there creating miracles in my life for me to believe his existence. Then why, must I fall under peer pressure and go to small group and what not and push myself to be someone I know I’m not going to be? I’ve changed, yes I understand that. Maybe I’ve turned a bit harsh, perhaps I no longer believe in this world and I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s all a lie anyways, so what’s the point in trying? I want to try and pick up where I left off but I just don’t have the motivation. I’m just so tired and sick of myself being who I am. I’m sick of myself I should say. It’s not the world’s fault. Bye world? Goodbye social media, back to tress and grass and nature?

Honestly, what is there to look forward to everyday? No one to come home to, no one to share all my “blessings” (all the good things in life), no one to spend excess time with. Then what? All I can look forward to is failure ahead.

難道真的有那麼難嗎? 找個我可以暗戀的對象 真的有哪麼難嗎? 難道不行向以前 一樣的那麼容易找到對象嘛?

why did i just waste my weekend? im completely fucked-___- drinking on saturday night and being slightly hungover on sunday-__- my life, it needs to be back in order! NOW! like in high school. With good close friends, guys to like, and being good with homework and understanding things in class. I need to FOCUS!

sighhh how much i want a bf like him oh 張孝全 你幹嘛身材超好的?? 齁!真是受不了 歐賣咖! 愛死了ㄎㄎㄎㄎㄎ~~~

sighh LIKE him, just like him haha i wish i could find my summer love right now oh so soon:)

I hate school.

最後深夜來臨我還是一個人 是又種失落感 很孤獨的感覺 原來我還是會怕剩我一個人

I want to yell and be dramatic and go crazy and cry aloud and run in the rain.

“You promised me. You promised me…” to who I want to say this to, I don’t even know or what he/she promised what. All I know is that I. AM. NOT.HAPPY. right now.i want to go crazy and drink and party and sing and dance away all that unhappiness and all that sadness and all that hurt. I can’t believe you would even ask me that. and WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHERE IM SUPPOSED TO BE SUNDAY MORNING AND WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING. YES YOU’RE MY FRIEND BUT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTIVE NOT YELLING AND GETTING FRUSTRATED AT ME. YES THINGS ARE NOT GOING YOUR WAY AND IM NOT GOING TO CHURCH OR PLAYING MY ROLE AS A GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE HER. DON’T YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL? DON’T YOU KNOW THIS IS JUST AS HARD FOR ME AS IT IS FOR YOU? YOU DON’T KNOW, DO YOU?

i want to just cry it all out and then have my mom there to lay there and pretend she didn’t see.

tomorrow there’s work and final project. Tonight there was food, company, a bit of lonliness somewhere admist it all. I want to go to Madrid and Italy. The gorgeous wine vineyards and cobblestone streets. I want to be an artist pretty badly, someone who dances on streets and paints sunsets.

Also, I’ve learned to hold the tears in and not cry. I can control that too! woot!

If I had the world at my fingertips, my essay would be done (not even perfect but at least done), an apartment would be found for really cheap, and the men I want to meet will be waiting outside my door. One problem, the world is NOT at my fingertips.

I absolutely HATE how when one thing in your life goes fine, the other still doesn’t resolve itself. I have a list of things to accomplish: job, internship, apartment, school, boyfriend. Job and internship semi-checked. Apartment no way. School, working on it. Boyfriend DEFINITELY no way. WHY OH WHY? Why can’t one thing working cause the others to work well too?? I  CAN NOT LIVE STRESSED LIKE THIS FOREVER! This is SO unfair:( I hate my life, again. UGHHHHH no apartment no bf gahhhh at least work, yes work, but going so slow things. Things need to just happen now, in a good way. GAH i HATE WAITING ON THINGS:(

money is a biotch